John's Weblog

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks,

“What’s with the money in the jar?”

“Well…, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari.”

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?”

“You gotta pay first,” says the bartender, “those are the rules.”

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10which he stuffs into the jar.

“Okay,” says the bartender, “here’s what you need to do:

First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.”

“Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.”

“Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who’s never had sex. You have to take care of that problem.”

The man is stunned! “I know I paid my $10 – but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!”

“Your call,” says the bartender, “but, your money stays where it is..”

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, “Where’s the damn tequila?!”

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can..

Tears stream down both cheeks — but he doesn’t make a face — and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight — then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he’s bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, “Now…, where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”

Rij ik van de week naar mijn werk, en ja hoor…. weer een agent met lasergun: . Ik reed maar een kleine 15 km te hard, maar natuurlijk moest ik stoppen. Of meneer agent mijn rij- en kenteken bewijs even mocht zien. Dat mocht, en terwijl hij deze bekeek vroeg hij waar ik zo snel naartoe ging.

“Ik ben op weg naar m’n werk” zei ik.

“En wat doet u dan voor werk?” wou de agent weten.

“Ik ben penisverlenger.” zei ik.

“Een penisverlenger?” zei de agent verbaasd, “daar heb ik nog nooit van gehoord! Hoe doet u dat?”

“Ach,” zei ik, “er zijn verschillende manieren en gereedschappen voor, maar we hangen de heren ook wel eens aan hun geslachtsdeel op totdat deze uitgerekt is tot ongeveer één meter tachtig.”

“Één meter tachtig!” riep de agent, “wat moet je in hemelsnaam met een lul van één meter tachtig?!”

“Die geven we een lasergun en zetten we langs de weg!”

1-Boete voor 15 km/h te snel rijden: 125.00 Euro
2-Boete voor de belediging van een ambtenaar in functie: 75 Euro.
3-De blik in z’n ogen: onbetaalbaar!!!!

“Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart. (they were ON SALE) for my 2 dogs. I was about to check out when a women behind me asked if I had a dog. (What did she think I had? An elephant.)

Since I had little else to do, and I’m pretty much an asshole, I told her no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side I lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my balls and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard…..WAL-MART won’t let me shop there anymore.